Yesterday's Gone
by LeaO'Neill
Summary: It's a hard day for Jack, a day he usually is alone. But not anymore.


Yesterday's Gone

By Lea O'Neill

Rating: Pg 13

Category: Angst/Hurt/Comfort/Romance

Season: Any

Spoilers: Cold Lazarus, Stargate The Movie

Pairing: Jack/Other

Summary: It's a day Jack would prefer to spend alone. But he's not anymore.

Disclaimer: Stargate Sg-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement intended. The original characters, situations and story are property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without author consent.All rights to song used belong to Eric Clapton  
  
_Tears In Heaven (Eric Clapton)  
  
Would you know my name if I saw you in heaven?  
Would it be the same if I saw you in heaven?  
I must be strong and carry on,  
'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven.  
  
Would you hold my hand if I saw you in heaven?  
Would you help me stand if I saw you in heaven?  
I'll find my way through night and day,  
'Cause I know I just can't stay here in heaven.  
  
Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees.  
Time can break your heart, have you begging please, begging please.  
  
Beyond the door there's peace I'm sure,  
And I know there'll be no more tears in heaven.  
  
Would you know my name if I saw you in heaven?  
Would it be the same if I saw you in heaven?  
I must be strong and carry on,  
'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven.__

* * *

_  
Nicole thought it a little strange for Jack to go for a run all by himself, without waking her. Even though she was almost five months pregnant, she still enjoyed their morning walks or runs. But this morning, a very cloudy, gray misty morning, Jack had gotten up early, and left alone without even kissing her goodbye.  
She got out of bed, again glad that the days of morning sickness seemed to have passed. She put on her blue robe over her nightgown and went to the kitchen. She looked out the back window to see if she could see Jack on the trail, but she didn't.  
  
Nicki put on a pot of coffee. No matter how Janet told her to give up caffeine, and Lord knew she was trying, she just couldn't cut out her one cup of morning coffee.  
  
Nicki happened to glance at the calendar. Her hand flew to her mouth.  
  
"Oh," she said aloud. She now realized why Jack had gone running alone.  
Today was the date he'd told her about some time ago. It was the anniversary. Charlie's anniversary.  
  
Nicki felt a deep sorrow wash over her. She knew Jack felt it multiplied by a thousand, even though it had been so long ago. She knew that this was something that no parent should ever have to experience. No child should ever die before its parents.  
  
She knew she was scheduled to be at NORAD all morning, but somehow, she didn't want to leave Jack alone on this day. Even if that was what he wanted.  
  
She called her CO's office and left him a message that she would not be in at all today.  
  
Instead of getting ready for work, Nicki drank her one cherished cup of coffee and then curled up on the sofa with a magazine she could only partially concentrate on to wait for Jack.  
  
Jack's feet hit the paved road hard. The rain slicked asphalt looked black as night in the steel gray dawn. Every step was harder, longer than it had to be. Every time his foot touched down, the jarring sent a white-hot streak of pain up through his damaged knees. Jack knew running wasn't the best sport for him to undertake. Today he wasn't doing it for exercise, or to keep fit. Today he did it to bring the pain. The physical pain was so much easier to deal with than the emotional pain he tried to drown out. The rain melted in with the tears and sweat that ran down his face. His lungs burned as he topped the steep incline. But the flat out run of pain, anger, hurt, and blame did not give him the release he sought. At the peak of the hill, his burning raging emotions not under control, Jack found the nearest oak tree. He kick boxed it, as he would a heavy bag. But the tree had no give. He slammed a foot into it. The jolting pain hit him, but not hard enough. He wanted more. Make it go away! His mind cried. Make it go away!He slammed a fist into the tree, knowing full well the wood would take his punch and reward him with pain."AAAggghhhhhh!" Jack cried out with the pain shooting into his fist. He let the emotion out as well with the cry. He dropped to his knees. Finally, enough physical hurt racked through him. He trembled as he knelt there under that tree, cradling his bleeding knuckles. He knew he was damn lucky he hadn't broken his hand. But finally, for a bit, the hurt inside his head was stilled.  
  
When he returned, Nicki could tell he had pushed himself hard this morning. He was drenched in sweat, even though it was still chilly outside.  
  
He stopped at the door to take off his shoes, and then came inside.  
"Hey," he said softly when he saw Nicki on the couch. He kept his damaged hand behind his back.  
  
"Hiya," she greeted equally softly.  
  
He went straight to the shower. Nicki left him alone. He'd come to her when he could.  
  
She remained on the sofa until he'd showered and dressed. Then he came to the living room and gave her a questioning look.  
  
"You're not going to work?" he asked.  
  
Nicki shook her head.  
  
"Feeling okay?"  
  
"I'm fine."  
  
Jack nodded and went to get coffee.  
  
Nicki got up after a moment and went to the kitchen. It was then she saw him, standing, hands braced against the counter, head bowed. He didn't know she was there until he felt her hand on his shoulder.  
Jack wiped at his eyes quickly before turning."It's okay," Nicki said. "I know what today is."  
  
Jack just nodded. He looked so much older and tired today.  
She noticed his hand. "Oh my god! You're hurt." Jack had washed the blood away, but his knuckles were cut and swollen and turning a nasty shade of red-purple.  
"I'll be okay."

Nicki didn't push the subject. She knew, or imagined, what he'd done. She wished she could take away his pain.  
  
"You don't have to stay."  
  
"I know." She stayed anyway.  
  
Jack went back to bed, choosing to shut out the rainy day and the pain with the confines of sleep. Nicki worked quietly around the house, finally laying down for an afternoon nap as well.  
They'd slept peacefully for some time, before Jack's ragged breath finally awoke Nicki. She rolled over to find him choking on sobs, his face wet with tears, but eyes still closed in sleep. He was dreaming. It was probably the only way he got out his true feelings.

Nicki didn't wake him. Instead, she wrapped her arms around him, smoothing his hair. "Ssshhhh," she hushed, her face against his cheek.  
Slowly, Jack's sleep crying subsided. Nicki held him long after he'd drifted back into a fitful sleep.Nicki thought about all the suffering he had in his life. She hoped he would never have to hurt that way again. She thought about all the pain she'd gone though, physical and emotional, and knew it was nothing equal to what Jack had felt. Only one instance came close, when she first found out she was pregnant and then realized that the child would not live. That was when she came close to realizing Jack's pain. But thanks to Sam and Jacob Carter's interventions, her baby would be born, healthy and perfect according to all medical accounts.  
  
It was evening before they awoke again. Jack had successfully slept through the tragic anniversary day.  
  
Nicki looked up into his sad brown eyes in the dimming evening light.  
"It still hurts inside," he finally confessed.  
  
"I know. I can feel it too." "There's still a hole in my heart. I guess it won't ever completely heal over."  
  
Nicki shook her head. "Probably not. Charlie's still in there. He always will be. And that's important. It makes you the caring, compassionate man that you are. And it makes you the wonderful father that you are. To Charlie and to our child." Nicki took Jack's uninjured hand and laid it on her growing abdomen. "We need you so much Jack." Jack caressed her belly, relishing at the life inside, realizing she was right. He never thought he'd be given a second chance. And he knew he must not let the past overshadow the future with his child that he would hold in his arms in a little over four months. He knew there was no replacement for Charlie. But he knew if he could hold so much love in his heart for one child, he could certainly make room for two. And to be given that opportunity was a miracle in every way.  
  
"I need you too Nicki. More than I ever though I could. And I'm so in love with you and with our baby."  
  
And then something happened. Maybe it was hearing Jack's voice, maybe it was fate, maybe it was just a small glimmer of hope for the future that chose today, of all days to let itself be known. As Jack lay with his hand on Nicki's tummy, he felt his child kick for the first time. 


End file.
